Forget a Mid-Life Crisis, I believe a New-Life Crisis exists and I’m facing it.
I feel that I’m in this unnavigable transition that is putting A LOT of pressure on me. Yes, I’m young and just starting life most would say, but I think for me that is exactly the crux of it. I feel that I have a tremendous burden to make life altering decisions at this time in my life. For example, most of my close friends have children now, and more are expecting (all due July – August, how strange?). I find myself just wondering what’s in my future?
My biggest most frequent prayer is for Christ to lead my life. Even if I don’t know where He wants me, I hope to be moving toward the direction He wants my life to go. I think at this age it’s really hard. First you have to decide what degree from college you want or what trade/business you want to work in, and then you have to find the right job. After that, society lays out the map for marriage to take place in your 20’s (I mean if you’re not seriously dating someone or married by 30…UH OH!), you should definitely have your first child by 30, and then…..
The dots make me nervous because once you have children (esp for the mamas) your life becomes just that. And that’s a great thing because to raise children, you should be focused on them. But sheesh….I mean how fast life goes by. Its like one day I’m 26, and the next time I look in the mirror I have fine lines and folds in my face that I don’t recognize and I’m wandering “where did all the time go?”. I feel scared now at this young vibrant time in my life to grow old. I literally can cry thinking about it. It just seems so close to me, not some far off distant fantasy. I mean when I think about my life, I get panicky thinking that I’m running out of time and I have a lot left to do. I got married (check), and now I want to do a lot of things. But its also this weird time of working really hard out of the gate, and I fear by the time I stop to catch my breath, I’ll be sleep deprived and awake in the middle of the night with my sweet little blessing in my arms. But I also think, what if I’m not supposed to have kids (that’s a very scary thought). But it’s true and I think most girls my age don’t want to admit that because aren’t we supposed to want that or what if it’s not in God’s plan? I personally have always wanted children, but I can’t see when that will fit in or how to make such a decision. I mean that’s a big one, it is for the rest of my life. I also want to go on mission trips and for that to have a huge part of my life. And I love my job where I want to grow and progress professionally. There isn’t enough time?!
I’ve been watching this really neat documentary series about two guys who decide to drop their jobs and travel for a year (you may know what I’m talking about), and it really hits home. I immediately think, “I have to plan a trip and how can I go to all the places I want to go to, and how can I do that once this or that happens blah,blah,blah…”. Some people have bucket lists of specific things they want to do in life; my bucket list is where I want to go. And I just don’t want to wake up one day and say “Why didn’t I?!” or worse “Did I live the life Christ wanted for me or did I just do what I wanted?”. I just can’t even imagine the pain at old age of feeling like I didn’t accomplish or make the effort to accomplish what Christ had in mind for my life. I don’t want to feel like I didn’t listen! That to me is the most terrifying situation.
I’m paralyzed. I feel pinned down, and I can’t make heads or tails between what I want, what I feel, and what Christ is trying to tell me. It’s all pressing in on me at one time. But thank you Christ for being there because the only thing that does help is PRAYER! And when I’m feeling scared about getting old, time slipping through my fingers, feeling overwhelmed by my age, seeing my friends make huge choices to have children, and supporting my husband’s career choices on top of my own….I close my eyes and talk to my Father. He hears me and although I feel like I want to start and stop a million things at once…He gives me peace that passes all understanding.
I think that’s where my mind has been. I’m fighting my flesh to fall into “normal” behavior society has mapped out, fighting my personal desires and dreams, and fighting my faith to trust Christ, which is the hardest to admit. The truth is that God’s timing for my life is perfect, and the experiences He wants me to have are for His purpose. I must be focused on Him, and not be worried because ultimately what I want and what I’m worried about accomplishing or not, really and truly do not matter. I have to let that anxiety go.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
Phil 4:6 -NIV
God’s plan for my life is what He created, and I have to be still, listen, follow, and trust that His decisions for my life supersede my desires.