SO, as I am approaching D-day (Delivery Day), I am increasingly becoming anxious, emotional, and EXHAUSTED! Uncomfortable is an understatement and the pressure to obtain sleep/rest is comical. There is no sleeping before baby arrives…that’s a sick joke and fantasy people throw out just to have something to say to pregnant ladies (“Get some rest now, you’re going to need it!”), uhhh nope, ain’t gonna happen. I can’t lay on my back without my breathing being labored.
Thinking about our little bundle of joy arriving is beyond exciting. To see what he looks like finally, and kiss his little face off, is all I can think about! I’m ready for the next phase of this journey… I think…
I “think” because when the thought occurs to me that I will no longer be pregnant, I get REALLY sad. Waking up pregnant every day is miraculous, and despite the physical drain it is on my body and even mentally…I don’t take it for granted. God has given me an amazing gift to experience and I’ve been trying to cherish every moment. Knowing that my son is right there with me at all times is so comforting. My body is nourishing him, protecting him, keeping him in a controlled environment (which I love because I’m a total control-freak), and giving me the undivided chance to experience him like nobody else. He is ALLLL MIIINNNEEE (evil laugh ensues). So it makes me sad already to think that I won’t have that much longer. I don’t know if I’m ready to share!! And what if people are totally over-bearing….how am I going to handle that?! “Give me my baby!!!!! I’m tired of you holding him!!”, I pray these don’t blurt out of my mouth. Hopefully (I pray), people know and understand the sensitivity of new-mommy-hormones (I can literally only pray about that one). I guess we shall see.
I’m so jazzed (I really like this word, haha) to think about Adam being a dad. I can’t wait to see him holding his son and grinning ear to ear. I’m curious to see how becoming responsible for another human is going to manipulate Adam’s mindset. I know it will forever alter mine, but because my husband has the God-given responsibility of being The Leader of our family, the pressure is a little bit more on his shoulders than mine. I’m sure we will both change somewhat instantaneously.
HOW? This is the next framework my mind is trying to develop. How in the world is this going to happen (Baby V literally coming into the world)?! Just like our fingerprints, all labors/deliveries are different…no two are the same. The possibilities are endless, thus my constant trance of thinking out scenarios is usually playing in the background of my mind every chance it gets. I’ve been reading, reading, reading, and reading about birth stories (learned never to YouTube those “situations” again after doing that in my first trimester….too traumatizing!) trying to prepare myself. But I know that it’s to no avail, I could never be actually ready because I don’t know what’s actually going to happen.
Birth plan? Seriously, who actually takes the time to make one of these? Now I do understand there is reason to hope, plan, and attempt to prepare for some main things. These include:
- Who is going to be in the room during the delivery
- What type of visiting hours do you want
- Who do you want to allow to visit
- How far along do you want to be before you tell people to come
- Who do you want to inform when you go into labor
Aside from that, there is no point. God’s will and my body are working without me privy to the decision-making.
I’m worried about the bonding, the breastfeeding, the checking on breathing, and just trying to stay alive. It’s all just a tad much.
The hard truth is not having the chance to grasp reality. Being present is hard for me. I’m thinking of the “what, when, and how” and I know I’m going to miss just being pregnant. Feeling my baby move within me, spending the day rubbing my belly and smiling about this miracle, and waking up with fulfillment and peace I’ve never known….it’s truly special. Right now, I try desperately to cherish all of this because I know it won’t last forever.
BUT what will it be like after?
I pray I’m able to handle all of this. “This” being raising a human soul to chase after Christ and spend his days here on Earth bringing glory to God’s name.
And that’s the REAL truth, he isn’t mine….he is His.
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