Sleep is for the weak said NO ONE EVER (I joked about it) !!!! So for the ladies who are expecting babes, the ones who’ve met your precious cuties already, and the seasoned women who are delighted to be done with that phase, but would still go back in a heartbeat…just come to terms because sleep…sleep is a luxury you will NEVER get back. Yep, I said it. You will never sleep the same again. Like when you’re in a different place, or anticipating something for the next day, or have a worry on your heart….you pretty much will feel ALL of that every single night for the rest of time. Every stage of life will bring it’s own set of sleep baggage. From babies needing to be fed, to toddlers wetting themselves, to school schedules/bullies/friend drama causing nuclear meltdowns about going to school in general, to pre-teen days of wanting to stay on the phone with friends until you are screaming for them to “GO TO SLEEP!”, to teenage days when worrying about curfew being missed and always jumping to the conclusion something awful has happened, to college years when you literally will wonder what they are doing and who they are with (people you don’t know)….the list will go on until you take your last breath. Sleep, yeah all I’ve got to say is, BYE FELICIA!
Since my third trimester, I haven’t slept. It’s been a LONG 10 months and I have the rest of my life to go?! OUCH! I’m still amazed I’m alive honestly. Hasn’t it been said that a lack of sleep can lead to being utterly brain damaged?? I’m pretty sure that’s been said. I know it isn’t good for my health, that truth is pure fact BUT despite all of this rhetoric, it is good for my heart. As much as I literally feel like I’m crawling out of my own grave in the wee hours of the morning (when for a split second (every single time) I want to cry because I’m just. so. EXHAUSTED.) my heart overflows with joy and the pure elation I feel looking down at my son. That baby will break you down, only to make you stand tall in the same instance.
Mama, I know you are tired, but it’s going to be okay.
From 0-4 months you literally are hanging on for dear life. NO one can prepare you for what you are going to face and no book can provide you with enough scenarios to make you feel ready…literally, not one. Being a Mama, the sole resource of another human’s entire existence, is a game of trial and error. When I realized that, I found it absolutely hysterical! I’m in charge of another human’s life, like a neuro-surgeon, I hold the keys to keeping this human alive….I didn’t even need to go to medical school ;). Like fingerprints, no two experiences are the same. There were times in those first months that I literally wanted to cry when the sun went down because I knew what I was going to have to face on my own. The physical deprivation you feel is consuming. But somehow, you make it. Everyone’s situation is unique and I made the decision really quickly that my husband had to get sleep. After about a week of him trying to help during the night, I made the decision for the both of us that Adam needed his beauty rest (I mean, I quickly understood that he needs to sleep every night, who would’ve known?!)! He had to go back to work after three weeks and there was NO sense in both of us being tortured. I was slowly cracking up and one of us had to stay sane!
You will also start to understand what women mean when they say they lost their brain when they had their baby. It’s true. Your brain DOES NOT work the same anymore. At one point, I remember being on a work call and after hanging up, I began crying, “I just sound SO STUPID! It’s like I can’t speak English anymore!!!”. My mom, my sweet patient mom, stood across from me and just smiled and said “Honey, calm down. You are just utterly exhausted, and believe me you do not sound stupid, I promise. ” I took a couple of breaths, got quiet, looked back over to her and just busted into laughter. YEAH, I’m pretty sure she made me take a nap after that out-burst. And there were many more out-bursts that followed. No human can withstand the physical, hormonal, and mental changes that a new mama endures without some cookoo mixed in!
Mama, your brain is swimming, but it’s going to be okay.
As time goes on, a rhythm will develop between you and your little sweetness. Some things will get easier, while other things will constantly throw you for a loop. Growth spurts are no joke. Just when you think you’ve got a routine down, it all goes to heck in a hand basket! Every. single. time. It just isn’t consistent, and anyone who tells you they used this schedule or that magic suit or this feeding tactic or that constructive behavior and their baby just fell right into perfect order, THEY ARE LYING!!!!! Yeah maybe it worked for a day, or heck I’ll stretch and say a week….but NOTHING will withstand the growth of a little human discovering itself. All I can say is don’t let it stress you or cause you to re-think your entire ideals of a good day or night in your life, it’s your circumstance with your little babe. Just do what you’re doing. As long as your baby is fed, clothed, sheltered, and loved…you are doing a damn good job!
Everything will begin to work together. Your insecurities about some stuff will fade away, and others will rear their ugly heads. Ultimately, if you are worrying…you are doing perfectly fine because I can guarantee you are doing all that you can to make the right choices. But hear me, GOD IS IN CONTROL. And He will be the one to lead the path your child will be on for the rest of their life. The best thing you can do is try your best and give the rest to Him. Kick the worry and fear to the curb. Be present and soak up every moment, it goes by SO FAST! God’s love and care and strength will be lifesavers when facing those various hurtles (mental and physical) you will face as a mother. It’s the greatest gift you can be given. And believe me, it’s a gift that will continue to give, forever. And you want to talk about walking close with Jesus…let me tell you…you will never be closer! He has propped me up everyday since my son came into the world, and I am so thankful I can cry to Him when I’m too overwhelmed to change ONE MORE DIAPER.
There will be times you doubt your capabilities. You will think there is no way you can “make this happen”. Make this baby grow into a perfectly balanced adult. I’ll let you off the hook now…you won’t. You won’t have the skills, wisdom, and perfect execution to make a perfect human. You aren’t perfect, and your child won’t be either. But God is there and what you can do is love your child unconditionally. Hold nothing back, all that wisdom you’ve gained through life…share it. Lead by example, and know that Christ is present.
Mama, your feelings will be out of whack, you’ll be full of happiness one moment and shear fear the next, but it’s going to be okay.
It’s going to be okay because you are not alone. I promise you will be able to conquer a new normal, just give in to the chaos, kiss that baby a thousand times a day, and take a million pictures. 🙂
It’s going to be okay.