I Cried

On the way home today (listening to my emotional music, you know, the only kind I like), I cried. I cried thinking about our life together and where we were headed.  I cried the whole way home and once I got inside.

We’ve lived a lot of life together so far. So many memories, good times and bad ones. We’ve shared every growing pain. High school went by in a blink, and college was a blast. Our youth slipped through our fingers and we grew into adults. I’m reminded of all that time when I look into your eyes and see my best friend. My real best friend. The one I have always done everything with.

I love our life. This life we’ve lived so far. And today I cried. I cried grieving the loss of the life we’ve had. The loss of the care-free days. The waking up only for each other. The times spent talking and daydreaming of the life we hoped to have together. And living through all the time we always felt we had. We’ve lived a lot already, and it’s on the verge of change (a life-altering shift). I’m scared of it going by too fast now, and of losing the hopes we had for each other and ourselves. Remembering when our days were free. Just living with each other, hopelessly in love and energized for all that could be. I cried.

I cried until I couldn’t breathe, I cried until I had no more tears. It felt good. I felt cleansed. And then I cried some more….

This time the tears came from excitement, from joy, and gratitude. Christ was comforting me and giving me solace. His timing is perfect. And although I felt a loss, I felt an even greater reward. The love I have for you, it’s consuming…but I realized that the love we will soon experience will be overwhelming. Our life will mean something different, but that doesn’t mean worse. My fears of losing something are abated by the thought of winning something so much more. This change is real, this change is now. Adjustment for me takes time and a lot of thought, but my stability is knowing that God’s timing is perfect. Having prayed for a long long time about this (and knowing that you did too) makes it all make sense! The joy I have I can’t begin to describe. I’m so thankful. I’m so happy. I’m so in love with you.

I cried today for all that we’ve been so far, and all that we will soon become. It’s been a great life, and it will be a new one soon as we become parents. Saying that brings me to tears. Fourteen years my love, what will the next fourteen be like??