So, hopefully, you’ve been following me on IG or FB and saw the news that we are PREGNANT (yes, again). We are so excited, and over halfway at this point. I’m definitely nervous (esp. in comparison to Adam). My anxiety level has been skyrocketing as each week passes, mainly because I feel so unprepared! This pregnancy is going by at the speed of light with having Banks here this time around. Chasing a 14 month old is not for the faint of heart, or pregnant women. He is into EVERYTHING! And, my mama heart and stomach are constantly in knots with him hitting his head like ONE THOUSAND times a day, and putting into his mouth things I never thought a human would be interested in tasting. I’m tired.
There has been such an element of suspense trying to envision what my life will become with TWO diaper babes. Diapers are definitely on my mind since lil’ man is in the phase of “Yeah right, try to catch me!”. But seriously, I’m anxious about how I’m going to juggle all this! I never anticipated how my life would really change when our first came along, and I was quite honestly taken aback. I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone giving me advice beforehand were straight liars! “Oh you’ll be tired” , “It’s different” , “You just get used to it”…..ok, um, tired is just the tip of the iceberg. Hard wouldn’t even be an accurate description. It’s annihilating!
Now, I can HONESTLY say that it brings so much more love, peace, and happiness to your life BUT seriously people….IT’S EARTH SHATTERING.
As a mom, your body has to recover. Now, I’ve only gone thru one labor & delivery…but let me tell you…whoever can forget that experience is an alien. I will NEVER forget what that was like. I’m fully aware of what happened to me, and what I went thru after. I’m VERY worried to go thru that again. Not to mention, I feel much more acutely aware of what could go wrong just because I’m more knowledgeable of the process this go’ round. Ultimately, I’m praying for a safe and healthy delivery for the both of us and that’s really all I can do. Being pregnant is such a miracle and an incredible journey of faith.
I’m super excited about our babes being so close in age. I have always wished my siblings and I were closer in age. I know that it would have come with it’s fair share of challenges. But I feel like in the young adult years and especially as married adults, we would be SO CLOSE. Going thru similar phases of life, the same challenges, and similar excitements. What a wonderful permanent support! I can’t help but dream it will be that way for these two. And realistically, Banks will never remember what it was like before his sister was here. Hopefully, this will demolish any weird rivalry complexes (one can hope, haha).
By the time this sweet girl (we’re having a girl!) makes her appearance, brother will be 18 months. With his age, I’m fearful that I’m going to miss out on all the additional milestones he will still have to conquer. Let’s face it, my attention will be divided. I can’t help but think I won’t have the time, attention span, or energy to really soak in those precious moments. And all those fears go for sweet pea too. With Banks, we were SO attentive to every whimper, sigh, cry, and movement… am I going to miss that with her?! Ah! I struggle with being present naturally, and I just don’t want to look back and not remember all those sweet irreplaceable times. We MUST get extremely used to video recording ALL THE THINGS! Sadly, our track record isn’t so great. We’ve really dropped the ball with documenting this pregnancy. I’ve got two bump pictures, that’s it!!
I’m praying every day (literally) that I will continue to pursue my dreams. I’ve had a strenuous time building in time to accomplish goals I’ve had since becoming a mom. And for me, that’s been hard to handle. I’m a very goal-oriented person. I LOVE to work. And I’m entrepreneurial at heart. SO needless to say, adjusting to not having time for dream-catching has been a challenge for me to work thru. Losing my identity has been a fear of mine since adulthood. I struggled with it when I graduated from college , landed my first real job, when I got married, and again when I had my handsome baby boy. I know adding another child to fill my heart even more is going to stretch me beyond belief. Do all of these feelings make me selfish? Another, OCD thought I’ve had to grapple with. And if I’m being honest (which I always try to be), in the past, this has led me down a path of mild-depression and serious over analyzing…an exhausting road that I try really hard to not let lead me to self-deprecation. A place I REALLY hate being. I know that I’m a child of Christ, so not being full of joy and lightheartedness sends me into a tailspin of guilt because I know in my heart, God loves me. And what I’m mulling over shouldn’t take up so much of my emotion. Throughout this pregnancy, I have been trying to plan ahead, and tackle some goals to give myself some much needed grace when the time comes. Making time for who I am as an individual needs to have priority some times, and those times I’m hoping to make more efficient and cultivate in creative ways (I’ll keep you posted on what I come up with).
Ultimately, this pregnancy has been a roller-coaster that keeps settling down at pure joy. I’m dealing with negative feelings, but I’m more overwhelmed by the excitement that floats above it all. I can’t wait to meet this little baby girl! I can’t wait to have a mini me (hopefully) and to have another bond in this world that supersedes everything I’ve ever known. The relationship Banks and her will develop makes my heart explode, and thinking of Adam’s heart melting as he creates a Daddy’s Girl warms my soul.
Things are changing, shifting, and never going to be the same… and I’ve got to adapt. That’s really the stuff of life and I’m praying that I will grab motherhood by my nursing bra straps, and with grit (and the strength of Christ) do the best I can, again!
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