What’s Left Of Me

As a mother, I feel like a failure and a success. Yeah, that sounds weird. I’m not who I once was OR who I thought I would be. I’m living a life I feel is a dream sometimes.

Who am I?

Where am I?

Is this my life? Are these my people?

Is this all I will become?

Is this what I want for my life?

These are the questions that I roll through my head more often than not. I’m tired. It’s exhausting hoping, planning, dreaming….just being. I’ve written before on how I struggled with what will never be again after having children.

What a blessing my children are. Period. There is nothing in my life that I cherish more.

As a parent, you give up a lot of what you had dreamed, only to gain more than you could ever plan for. With such an extreme dichotomy, there will be growth. Growth that you are prepared for, but mostly not.

There is so much that shifts when that new baby is brought into this world. So much that makes your life have a completely new identity. A new identity that takes some getting used to. And there isn’t a time in my life that I’ve wanted to push myself more.

Ideas I never had before or imagined would be something to consider (i.e. homeschooling??, owning my own business, changing how I think about work/life balance, what fuels me). As a child, I remember vividly thinking about adulthood and what my life would be like as a mature wife, mother, and passion seeker. It’s different. To my younger self I’d say ” follow your passions, and plan nothing”, what freedom that would’ve given me now!

I’ve discovered thru the screaming, crying, sleepless nights, dirty house (beyond normal), poop on my hands, spit-up down my back, cabin fever to the nth degree, and zero quality time with the love of my life that this is a season for change. Change in my heart, change in my plans (which is silly anyway b/c my plans < God’s plans), change in who I am.

I’m different, and I have to give myself grace. I have to lean in to what I’m living RIGHT NOW. The greatest desire of my heart, now, has NOTHING to do with me. It’s about them.

Them. My husband and my children.

I want a life with them. SO now my ideals must be flexible. My passions will flow outward in different ways. I’m Emily, to my core I am who I’ve always been, BUT the way I express myself is not the same.

My drive is more eternal now. The focus of my life is to instill in my children the greatest lesson I could ever teach them…it’s about love. God’s love.

Life is about love. Justice. Fighting the right fight. Living for the right reasons.

Forget about perceptions, stigmas, and expectations of this fallen world. Dig deep to realize the meaning of what we’re doing here.

What are your God-given skills, what strengths did He create in you? What are your weaknesses, what should you rely on Him for more?

Lead a life that is working WITH the characteristics that are given uniquely to you.

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AND THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO TEACH MY CHILDREN. Give it your best. Fight the good fight. Live life with BOLD intention.

Will you always succeed? NO WAY!

Will it be easy? NOPE.

Will your path be perfect and completely understood? DON’T BET ON IT.

That’s the beauty.

Life is a journey. An adventure worth seeking. And as a parent, my babies are my adventure. I can incorporate my “before baby passions” but they will be different than I imagined and will develop from a changed perspective.

What I leave this world is them.

They are my legacy. They will be what’s left of me.

 

 

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